Learning to manage your emotional intelligence as a woman leader in IT is a vital skill.
And yet, it can be very difficult to do when no one really teaches you how to do it.
Yes, it’s wonderful to have reliable allies and sponsors that support you in difficult circumstances.
But what happens when they don’t?
What happens when you’re the only one in the room expected to hold it together?
Throughout my career, I’ve seen women begin to cry in meetings, raise their voices, or become visibly angry out of sheer frustration.
I understand.
I’ve been there.
You have emotional triggers. We all do. And high pressure IT environments can push them to the breaking point.
In this episode, I’ll share essential strategies for women leaders in IT to strengthen their emotional intelligence and build resilience.
How to Stay Composed, Confident, and Credible in High-Pressure Moments
When you hear the term emotional intelligence, what comes to mind?
It’s become a favorite buzzword over the past several years.
But in reality, it shows up in very specific, high-stakes moments.
Like:
- When someone challenges you publicly.
- When frustration rises, but you must be composed.
- When you must decide whether to address conflict in private instead of reacting in the room.
When you step into a leadership role in IT, you will face these situations.
Your ability to manage yourself strategically in front of executives, peers, stakeholders, and your team is a requisite skill you must develop.
From Public Criticism to Private Courage…
One of the most difficult experiences I had in my career happened in a financial leadership meeting with Managers, Division Directors, and HR partners.
Our Financial Director was facilitating the meeting. She had a reputation. Leaders were intimidated by her.
Her style was to call people out publicly or make comments that left you questioning yourself.
At one point, she looked at me and said, “If you think you’re going to continue to keep the funding you currently have to protect yourself and your people, think again”.
The room was silent.
I was certain my Director would speak up and defend me. We had already discussed my work scope and budget and I was managing funds responsibly because the work load had slowed down.
But, he didn’t say anything.
At that moment, I felt demoralized.
I sensed her irritation and knew saying anything further would only escalate the situation.
So I stayed silent.
I tried to focus on what was being said, but couldn’t contain my emotions.
I left the meeting and went into the restroom. The tears started to flow. Years earlier, I had promised myself I would never cry at work.
And yet, there I was.
After a few minutes, I composed myself and returned to the meeting but I couldn’t even concentrate. My confidence had taken a hit.
Have you had a moment like that?
Where something said publicly stayed with you far longer than it should have?
The emotion lingered for months.
And it was internalized.
Maybe I wasn’t smart enough.
Maybe I wasn’t a good manager.
Maybe I didn’t belong in that room.
Yes, imposter syndrome had taken hold and wasn’t letting go.
I knew I couldn’t stay in that mode forever or it would completely destroy my confidence and everything I had worked so hard to build as a leader.
I’m a woman of faith and spent time praying for guidance on how to approach this situation.
The answer came one day as I was talking to a colleague that had a great relationship with our financial director.
She suggested I meet with her. So, I did just that.
I went to her office and calmly shared what I had noticed—since that meeting, she was dismissive toward me. I told her my intention was to build a strong working relationship with her. I let her know I wanted to succeed as a manager in IT and was willing to work hard to support the organization. And finally, I clarified that I wasn’t protecting my budget for personal reasons. I was being judicial and managing the funds responsibly.
She listened carefully and then apologized.
She thanked me for letting her know how that comment and the dismissive actions had affected me.
From that day forward, our relationship changed.
That conversation required emotional intelligence.
Not silence.
Not an emotional reaction.
It required courage, composure and clarity.
And it taught me something I wish I had learned much earlier in my career.
Here are 4 strategies to strengthen your emotional intelligence and build resilience as a woman leader in IT:
- Separate Other People’s Emotion From Your Identity
- When someone challenges you publicly, it’s important to understand that their frustration, impatience, or defensiveness belongs to them, not you.
- Your job isn’t to absorb it.
- Your job is to manage your emotions in the moment.
- Instead of reacting, acknowledge the comment and move it offline if needed.
- You protect your credibility.
You avoid escalation.
And you stay in control of the room.
- Regulate Before You Respond
- When you feel frustration rising—your body starts to feel tension, your heart rate speeds up, and your face is warm, that’s your cue to pause.
- You do NOT have to respond immediately.
- Take a few slow breaths.
Slow your body down.
And redirect your brain to something logical for a moment—even simple math—to get out of reaction mode. - You now have the ability to address the issue from clarity instead of irritation.
- Choose the Right Setting for the Conversation
- Public correction often creates defensiveness.
While private conversation creates dialogue. - If tension rises in a meeting, you can acknowledge it without resolving it on the spot. You can say, “This deserves a focused discussion. Let’s regroup this afternoon with the right stakeholders.”
- Then address:
- What happened, what the impact was and what needs to change.
- You protect relationships while still holding accountability.
- Model the Emotional Standard You Want to See
- Your team watches how you respond under pressure.
- If you stay steady during conflict, they learn steadiness.
If your emotions escalate, they will follow your lead. - Resilience isn’t pretending nothing affects you.
It’s demonstrating how to move through difficulty without losing control. - You don’t shut down.
You don’t get defensive. - You show flexibility without losing authority.
Emotional intelligence is about being intentional.
It’s knowing:
When to speak.
When to pause.
And when to go offline.
That’s what builds resilience.
When you learn to manage your emotional intelligence well, you don’t just survive difficult rooms, you lead them.
Stay empowered and lead assertively!