You’ve spent hours doing research, gathering relevant details, and writing up options for an important decision.
The day of the meeting arrives.
You’re presenting your recommendations, and everything seems to be going well.
Suddenly, the decision-maker receives a phone call that visibly upsets him.
You feel the shift of energy in the room.
You continue with your presentation, but a few minutes later, you’re interrupted and openly criticized.
You’re caught off guard, embarrassed, and struggling to maintain composure.
And afterward, you can’t stop replaying what happened, wondering what you could have done differently.
As a woman leader in IT, experiences like this can shake your confidence and cause you to question your abilities.
One difficult experience doesn’t have to change how you see yourself or what you believe you’re capable of.
In this episode, I’m sharing how to adapt when things don’t go as planned, and how to learn from a challenging situation without it diminishing your confidence as a leader.
Learning from Difficult Experiences Without Losing Confidence
That experience actually happened to one of my team members several years ago, during a meeting I had helped her prepare for.
We didn’t know what the phone call was about, but we witnessed an immediate change in the Director’s mood. He seemed frustrated, even angry.
Looking back, that should have been our first indication that we needed to change direction.
Instead, we continued with the presentation.
One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that you can be incredibly well prepared for a meeting and still find yourself in a situation you didn’t anticipate.
And how you respond in those moments can make a significant difference in the outcome.
In this case, we could have paused and simply asked the Director if he needed a few minutes to address whatever was happening, or whether it would be better to reschedule.
But we didn’t.
We were focused on the meeting we’d prepared for and the information we needed to share.
And I think that’s something many of us can relate to.
You spend so much time preparing your recommendations, anticipating questions, and thinking through how you want a discussion to go that you can sometimes miss what’s actually happening around you.
So the first lesson I took away from this experience was the importance of reading the room and being willing to adapt in the moment.
Pay attention to the people you’re meeting with.
Are they engaged? Do they appear distracted? Is there tension or frustration that wasn’t there before?
Sometimes the best thing you can do is pause, ask a question, or even suggest continuing the discussion at another time.
It doesn’t mean you’re unprepared or incapable of managing the meeting. You’re recognizing what’s needed in that moment and adjusting your approach accordingly.
There was another important lesson we learned from that meeting.
The Director was right about one thing. We should have sent the information to him and his team ahead of time.
We were discussing the acquisition of a critical IT service, and there were important decisions that needed to be made.
They deserved time to review the information, consider the options, and come prepared with their questions and concerns.
We’d been working through the details for some time, so we were familiar with the information. But they didn’t have the same level of understanding.
And I think that’s an important consideration whenever you’re asking someone to make a significant decision.
Just because you’re ready to present a recommendation doesn’t mean the decision-maker is ready to make a decision.
So yes, there were things we could have done differently.
And I believe it’s important to acknowledge those things.
But here’s where I want to make an important distinction.
We could have handled the meeting better, and the Director could have treated my team member with greater respect.
Both things can be true.
Being willing to learn from an experience doesn’t mean you have to accept inappropriate behavior or take responsibility for how someone else chooses to respond.
After the meeting, I spoke with my manager about what had happened because I felt the Director’s behavior warranted attention at that leadership level.
As leaders, we have a responsibility to support our team members, especially when they’re placed in situations where they’re treated disrespectfully.
And sometimes that means involving your own leadership to help address the situation. Thankfully, those discussions did take place, and the Director was much more amenable to working with us afterward.
But even when you recognize what you could have done differently and take steps to address the situation, there’s something else you may have to deal with—the impact it has on your confidence.
You feel prepared and confident prior to the meeting, but walk away feeling embarrassed and questioning yourself.
You might spend the rest of the day replaying in your mind what happened.
Why didn’t I recognize that something was wrong?
Why didn’t I handle that differently?
What must everyone think of me now?
And before long, you may start questioning your abilities as a leader.
That’s where I think you need to be especially careful.
Because there’s a difference between recognizing that you could have done something differently and deciding that the experience says something negative about who you are.
Here’s a question I invite you to ask yourself when something like this happens: What are you making this experience mean about you?
Think about that for a moment.
Are you telling yourself that you’re not a good leader?
That you’re not capable of managing difficult situations?
Or that others no longer have confidence in you?
Now ask yourself another question: If I removed my interpretation of this experience, what are the actual facts?
In our situation, we missed an opportunity to pause the meeting. We should have shared the information in advance. And the Director responded in a way that I felt was inappropriate.
Those were the circumstances we needed to acknowledge, and there were valuable lessons we could take away from them.
But none of them meant my team member wasn’t capable of leading important discussions.
And yet, sometimes that’s exactly what you do to yourself.
You take one difficult experience and allow it to overshadow years of knowledge, experience, and accomplishments.
One mistake may cause you to question your judgment.
One rejected recommendation makes you hesitant to share your next idea.
Or one uncomfortable interaction makes you wonder whether you’re really cut out for leadership.
But I want you to remember something.
One difficult experience doesn’t erase everything you’ve accomplished or diminish your ability to lead.
So how do you move forward when something has shaken your confidence?
First, recognize what you can learn from the experience.
Maybe you need to prepare differently, ask better questions, or be more willing to adjust your approach when circumstances change.
Identify what you can do differently the next time and take that lesson with you.
Second, be careful about the conclusions you’re drawing about yourself.
Think about the problems you’ve solved, the projects you’ve successfully delivered, the difficult decisions you’ve made, and the people you’ve helped along the way.
Those experiences are evidence of your capabilities, your skills, and your years of experience.
Don’t allow one difficult moment to carry more weight than everything else you’ve accomplished.
And finally, don’t let the experience prevent you from stepping forward again.
If you’ve become hesitant to speak up in meetings, challenge yourself to contribute something in the next one.
If you’ve been second-guessing your recommendations, use what you’ve learned and bring forward another idea.
And if you’re avoiding a difficult conversation because of something that happened previously, think about what you need to do to move forward.
You may still feel uncomfortable.
You may still have doubts.
But you don’t have to wait until every doubt disappears before taking action.
Sometimes it’s through taking that next step that you begin rebuilding your confidence.
I want to leave you with three questions to reflect on this week.
Think about a recent experience at work that caused you to question yourself.
- What actually happened, and what are you making that experience mean about you?
- What can you learn from it that will help you become a stronger leader?
- What’s one action you can take to move forward with confidence?
Remember, confidence doesn’t mean you’ll never make mistakes or encounter difficult situations.
It means recognizing that those experiences are opportunities to learn and grow, without allowing them to define your capabilities.
You’ve worked hard to develop your skills, knowledge, and leadership experience.
Don’t allow one difficult moment to cause you to lose sight of that.
Stay empowered and lead assertively!