Have you ever received feedback that was hard to accept?
Maybe it wasn’t delivered in a kind or constructive way.
Or maybe criticism sinks deeper because of earlier experiences in your life.
For some women leaders in IT, feedback immediately feels personal—like your brain goes straight to:
“Here we go again…”
And when that happens, it’s easy to either shut down or start questioning yourself.
But feedback doesn’t automatically become truth just because someone says it.
You have a choice in how you respond.
Ask yourself:
- Is this feedback valuable?
- Is it being given with good intent?
- Or is it more reflective of that person’s frustration or perspective?
Not all feedback deserves equal weight.
In this episode, we’ll talk about how to process feedback in a healthy, meaningful way—without losing confidence in yourself as a leader.
Processing Feedback Without Compromising Your Identity
One of the ways I’ve learned to process feedback is to get curious about it—especially when I initially perceive it as negative.
Ask yourself, “What if there’s some truth in what this person is telling me?”
Notice the wording there—what if there’s some truth in it.
You’re not blindly accepting the feedback. You’re allowing yourself to thoughtfully process what was said instead of immediately reacting emotionally to it.
When you ask that question honestly, it becomes easier to focus on the validity of the feedback regardless of how well—or poorly—it was delivered.
And when feedback is valid, it helps you move more quickly into productive action instead of getting stuck in defensiveness or self-doubt.
A few years ago, we had a job posting open on our team and were in the process of interviewing candidates.
There were three of us on the interview panel: my manager, myself as the program manager and team lead, and another member of my team responsible for the scope of work we were hiring for.
One of the candidates already worked at our company in another organization, so he was somewhat familiar with our work and some of the people on our team.
As we wrapped up the interview, we asked if he had any final thoughts or questions.
He complimented my manager and talked about how great he was to work with. He complimented my teammate and called her a sweetheart.
And then he looked at me and said something to the effect of, “You can be difficult to work with.”
There was a long silence on the call. None of us really knew how to respond.
My manager eventually thanked him for his time and ended the interview.
Within minutes, both my manager and teammate messaged me saying how strange and inappropriate the comment was.
The comment didn’t upset me—but it did make me curious.
I started thinking about previous interactions I’d had with him and one specific situation immediately came to mind.
At one point, I had questioned a contract he awarded based on a personal friendship. Given the long history of problems we’d experienced with that vendor, I challenged the decision and shared my concerns with leadership.
Once I made that connection, I stopped personalizing the comment. It became clear to me that he probably didn’t appreciate being questioned on a decision he had made.
A few days later, he reached out and asked if I’d be open to having a Teams call with him.
During the call, he apologized and admitted the comment was inappropriate.
He also shared that after speaking with several people in the organization, he had heard nothing but positive things about working with me.
I thanked him for contacting me and then told him something important:
I had the choice to either accept or reject his feedback—and I chose to reject it because it wasn’t rooted in truth. I was comfortable with who I was as a leader.
I accepted his apology, thanked him for reaching out, and moved on.
And in case you’re wondering—he didn’t get the position. We ultimately hired someone who was more qualified and a better fit for our team.
Experiences like that are exactly why learning to process feedback in a healthy way matters so much as a leader.
Here are 5 ways to process feedback in a healthy, meaningful way:
1. Get Curious Instead of Defensive
Ask yourself:
- Is there truth or validity to some or all of this feedback?
- Is there a pattern I should pay attention to?
Approaching feedback with curiosity creates growth instead of shame.
2. Determine What Action Needs to Be Taken
If the feedback is valid, what changes or improvements do you need to make?
Not all feedback requires a major overhaul. Sometimes a small adjustment in your communication, follow-through, or visibility can make a significant difference.
3. Separate the Feedback from Your Identity
Receiving constructive feedback does not mean you’re failing as a leader.
In fact, if you have a manager willing to give you honest, constructive feedback, thank them for it. That kind of feedback is truly a gift because it helps you grow more quickly in your career.
One difficult conversation, one mistake, or one area for growth does not erase your strengths, experience, or value.
This is especially important for women leaders in IT, who often internalize feedback more personally than they should.
4. Consider the Source and Intent
Not all feedback is created equal.
Ask yourself:
- Is this person trying to help me grow?
- Do they understand my role or situation well enough to evaluate it fairly?
- Is this constructive feedback—or frustration, bias, or poor communication?
Strong women leaders in IT learn which feedback deserves action and which feedback simply needs to be released.
5. Use Feedback as Data, Not a Definition
Feedback is information—not your identity.
Strong leaders process feedback, extract what is useful, and keep moving forward without spiraling into self-doubt.
Growth comes from reflection and adjustment—not perfection.
The ability to give and receive feedback is an important leadership skill for women leaders in IT—and it’s one you have to intentionally work through.
The goal is to think of feedback as a gift. It’s what you choose to do with it that shapes your growth, confidence, and leadership journey.
This is something I help women leaders in IT navigate so they can thoughtfully discern feedback without internalizing every criticism or questioning their value in the process.
And if you haven’t listened to it yet, go back and listen to Episode 3, “How Does Feedback Help Women Leaders in IT Earn Respect?” where we talk about how to give constructive feedback effectively.
Stay empowered and lead assertively!